You Hurt Me

The following poem was written around the year 2000. This poem was about a time in my life where I was molested and scared that I may be raped by someone. It took a long time to get passed the painful experience. I learned, in that moment, that as a young girl, he took my innocence from me. It was a reality I couldn’t escape and I was worried I never would. This happened when I was about 16 and it hurt me deeply in so many ways. I wish I would have never let the things he did hurt me for as long as it did.

Here’s what happened.  I was with a friend and her mom in Miami visiting the mom’s boyfriend.  We all hung out in the pool enjoying a hot summer day in South Florida.  My friend and I got out of the pool and decided to lay down and take a nap since it was blazing hot outside.  After lying down and closing my eyes.  I drifted off only to wake up to the mom’s boyfriend pushing his fingers into you know where and I could feel him on my legs.  I was paralyzed with fear and he pulled his fingers out and started grabbing my legs to pull them apart, using pressure because I was trying to keep him away from me. He grabbed so tight that I had bruises for about a week after the incident.

When I woke up completely, he whispered in my ear that he was going to “Fuck me” and if I screamed he would choke me to death.  My adrenaline started pumping and I kicked him in the balls and he fell off of me so I began to run away.  I ran down the road in a terrible neighborhood with my clothes, purse, and shoes in my hand.  I called my friend to come and get me and I headed home.  I never spoke to the girl or her mother because I was so scared of the boyfriend who threatened to kill me.  I never wanted my parents to know either because my uncle molested me when I was 14 or 15 and they didn’t seem to believe me so I kept it to myself and I wrote this poem.    Hope you all enjoy it.

You Hurt Me

You took me
you urged me
into a daze,
you pulsated my blood
into a craze.

But all of a sudden
you thought you were right,
that even if I tried
you would put up a fight.

Suddenly I knew
I was lost and confused,
You made me feel broken
just scared and used.

When you took something
you knew you could not,
you stepped on my heart
and hurt me a lot.

I know I should say this
only in my head,
But you left discomfort
on the sheets of this bed.

The bruises and hand marks
you left on my thighs,
are proof that will show
through your bullshit and lies.

You will be sorry
for the pain that you start,
I don’t have much proof
but I’ll know in my heart.

I’m still a young girl
you’re a stupid old guy,
You said you saw innocents
in the soul of my eyes.

You’re pitied and ugly
but you’ll know why,
I’ll hurt and I’ll wonder
but you’ll never see me cry.

-Niki Maria

I do not know what my life would have been like had I not had to experience being molested and almost raped.  I wonder sometimes if I would have been stronger, more cautious, been a doctor, a happier person, never experienced a panic attack or anxiety attack?  I will never know.  When someone takes away that innocence without your consent, it destroys the way you start to look at life. I never felt the same after being molested.  It happened twice to me.  I don’t know how I could have avoided it, but the first time it happened, it was my uncle.  The second time, which is written about in this poem, I couldn’t have avoided it.  I am making life the best I can now, but these traumas come back to haunt me regularly.  I just hope that I have gotten passed them now and I can live a happy life.

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My Memories.. The Song I Composed For Panic Disorder

So one day while I was having a bad day, I channeled some of my creative energy and created as well as composed my first song ever using the app “Garage Band”. It’s a pretty awesome app and I was able to keep going while I sang and Googled “good notes” to use on the different instruments within the app.  It was a really good experience.  I uploaded the song to SoundCloud and I am working on some Podcasts that will also go to my SoundCloud as well! don’t miss out, subscribe to SoundCloud to keep up with my candid (often vulgar) truth about living with mental illness.

The lyrics “My Memories” by Niki Maria

I lost myself and I can’t get back up
Somebody help me find my luck
I don’t wanna lose my memories
Cause there all I have..

There was a time when I would fill the noise
Everything you could avoid
And I’m not losing me today
Because I love you

Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs
The panic is here with me it’s all I’ve become
Do you know what it feels like to hide inside your own skin
Crawling with venom…

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

It feels like my Life’s not my own
You Keep pushing forward feeling alone
just get yourself back up, you get yourself back up…

I’m not gonna let you bring me down
Panic Attacks are the worst
Anxiety I am cursed….

Just for today
I want you guys to stand up
Fight.
Because this illness, it will take you down if you let it.
Just stand up today
Remember who you are
Don’t let it take your memories.

Let me know what you guys think and feel free to download it if you like it (I made it available for download).  I am working on some new music now and your feedback can help me to make the most productive music.  Try to remember I don’t have the best voice in the world and this recording with done (literally) on my iPad with Garage Band.  Love you all!  Thank you for supporting me in this journey.