My Memories.. The Song I Composed For Panic Disorder

My Memories.. The Song I Composed For Panic Disorder

So one day while I was having a bad day, I channeled some of my creative energy and created as well as composed my first song ever using the app “Garage Band”. It’s a pretty awesome app and I was able to keep going while I sang and Googled “good notes” to use on the different instruments within the app.  It was a really good experience.  I uploaded the song to SoundCloud and I am working on some Podcasts that will also go to my SoundCloud as well! don’t miss out, subscribe to SoundCloud to keep up with my candid (often vulgar) truth about living with mental illness.

The lyrics “My Memories” by Niki Maria

I lost myself and I can’t get back up
Somebody help me find my luck
I don’t wanna lose my memories
Cause there all I have..

There was a time when I would fill the noise
Everything you could avoid
And I’m not losing me today
Because I love you

Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs
The panic is here with me it’s all I’ve become
Do you know what it feels like to hide inside your own skin
Crawling with venom…

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

It feels like my Life’s not my own
You Keep pushing forward feeling alone
just get yourself back up, you get yourself back up…

I’m not gonna let you bring me down
Panic Attacks are the worst
Anxiety I am cursed….

Just for today
I want you guys to stand up
Fight.
Because this illness, it will take you down if you let it.
Just stand up today
Remember who you are
Don’t let it take your memories.

Let me know what you guys think and feel free to download it if you like it (I made it available for download).  I am working on some new music now and your feedback can help me to make the most productive music.  Try to remember I don’t have the best voice in the world and this recording with done (literally) on my iPad with Garage Band.  Love you all!  Thank you for supporting me in this journey.

You Hurt Me

You Hurt Me

The following poem was written around the year 2000. This poem was about a time in my life where I was molested and scared that I may be raped by someone. It took a long time to get passed the painful experience. I learned, in that moment, that as a young girl, he took my innocence from me. It was a reality I couldn’t escape and I was worried I never would. This happened when I was about 16 and it hurt me deeply in so many ways. I wish I would have never let the things he did hurt me for as long as it did.

Here’s what happened.  I was with a friend and her mom in Miami visiting the mom’s boyfriend.  We all hung out in the pool enjoying a hot summer day in South Florida.  My friend and I got out of the pool and decided to lay down and take a nap since it was blazing hot outside.  After lying down and closing my eyes.  I drifted off only to wake up to the mom’s boyfriend pushing his fingers into you know where and I could feel him on my legs.  I was paralyzed with fear and he pulled his fingers out and started grabbing my legs to pull them apart, using pressure because I was trying to keep him away from me. He grabbed so tight that I had bruises for about a week after the incident.

When I woke up completely, he whispered in my ear that he was going to “Fuck me” and if I screamed he would choke me to death.  My adrenaline started pumping and I kicked him in the balls and he fell off of me so I began to run away.  I ran down the road in a terrible neighborhood with my clothes, purse, and shoes in my hand.  I called my friend to come and get me and I headed home.  I never spoke to the girl or her mother because I was so scared of the boyfriend who threatened to kill me.  I never wanted my parents to know either because my uncle molested me when I was 14 or 15 and they didn’t seem to believe me so I kept it to myself and I wrote this poem.    Hope you all enjoy it.

You Hurt Me

You took me
you urged me
into a daze,
you pulsated my blood
into a craze.

But all of a sudden
you thought you were right,
that even if I tried
you would put up a fight.

Suddenly I knew
I was lost and confused,
You made me feel broken
just scared and used.

When you took something
you knew you could not,
you stepped on my heart
and hurt me a lot.

I know I should say this
only in my head,
But you left discomfort
on the sheets of this bed.

The bruises and hand marks
you left on my thighs,
are proof that will show
through your bullshit and lies.

You will be sorry
for the pain that you start,
I don’t have much proof
but I’ll know in my heart.

I’m still a young girl
you’re a stupid old guy,
You said you saw innocents
in the soul of my eyes.

You’re pitied and ugly
but you’ll know why,
I’ll hurt and I’ll wonder
but you’ll never see me cry.

-Niki Maria

I do not know what my life would have been like had I not had to experience being molested and almost raped.  I wonder sometimes if I would have been stronger, more cautious, been a doctor, a happier person, never experienced a panic attack or anxiety attack?  I will never know.  When someone takes away that innocence without your consent, it destroys the way you start to look at life. I never felt the same after being molested.  It happened twice to me.  I don’t know how I could have avoided it, but the first time it happened, it was my uncle.  The second time, which is written about in this poem, I couldn’t have avoided it.  I am making life the best I can now, but these traumas come back to haunt me regularly.  I just hope that I have gotten passed them now and I can live a happy life.

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New Podcasts & A Surprise

New Podcasts & A Surprise

If you have been dealing with some guilt from lying to someone you love, or have trust issues from being lied to, or live with mental health disorders and find yourself living in a fantasy world, this new podcast is for you.  The Sounds of Life and The Panic Spot joined forces to talk about a sensitive subject, lying and trust issues.  There is a lot to be said about lying for the proverbial normal person versus the mentally ill.

In my life, I have had many instances when I found myself being told that I said something I didn’t remember saying (whether true or not) because I lived in a fantasy world. Why did I live in a fantasy world? Due to a combination of little trauma’s and then some big ones as well as trying to cope with bipolar disorder. Eventually trauma catches up to you and changes the makeup of your brain. (side-note: I have always wondered to myself if post traumatic stress disorder PTSD can cause bipolar disorder?) I have been told since I was about 10 or 11 that I have bipolar disorder. I laughed and went on living my life like any therapist, doctor, psychiatrist or whomever tried to tell me that I was sick with this illness, didn’t exist. I even went as far as printing up a whole bunch of stuff on my windows 95 computer disputing my issues. Of course, looking back on it now, I was looking more bipolar simply for doing that.

Anyways, I wanted to share that little bit about my personal experience with bipolar disorder because it has hugely impacted my life, especially where trust and lying is concerned. I hope you have the chance to listen and enjoy the podcast. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts as well as what you would like to hear more about. Being bipolar is tough, share your story with me anytime at thepanicspot@gmail.com or on Instagram @colliee87 or any other social media account for The Panic Spot. I am always here for all of you. I know how tough this illness can be on you, your family and your personal and professional life. Don’t give up fighting the good fight, even when you encounter endless obstacles.

-Niki

 
Check out the first podcast for Panic Meets Normal:
https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2588356

 

Check out the podcast that I am working on… check it out when ever but I plan to get them up on Wednesday or Friday of every week if possible. Xo hope you like it.

“Coming soon to an anchor account near you…” from The Panic Spot on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2553985

“Coming soon to an anchor account near you…” from The Panic Spot on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2553985

Been A Little While…

Been A Little While…

Hey everyone.  I have been so stressed out with life lately that posting on Instagram has been about the only thing I do to keep up with my mental health network online and I know that isn’t enough.  Just a crazy couple of months with the holidays and then school starting back up and football for my oldest son… I am starting to spin a little lol!! Plus I am back to work after taking some time off to get my mental and physical health in order.  I was diagnosed with a condition called Dysautonomia (also called POTS) and that explains why I have been so off this last year.

Also, I have finally decided to get medicated for my bipolar disorder.  Normally I enjoy the ups and downs, because they never get so bad and I get surges of creativity and enlightenment, but lately they have been super shitty.  I get really down and it is physically draining, plus I have developed awful anxiety over absolutely nothing and the panic attacks are true hell.  Before, I used to think it would pass and somehow it was what I was eating or not eating that was causing the panic attacks to come on stronger.  I also thought maybe it was the benzos that the doctor put me on to manage the panic attacks that was making it worse.  Needless to say, I quit the benzos, Valium to be exact, and started eating healthier and working out which seems to be helping quite a bit.  The healthier lifestyle unfortunately isn’t helping the terrible bipolar episodes but I am going to see my new psychiatrist this Friday to try medications that will help manage the bipolar.

In addition, I started seeing a new therapist.  She is my mom’s pick for me.  Apparently she is well versed in dealing with substance abuse, bipolar, anxiety, depression, panic and PTSD.  I am not convinced that therapy helps at this point because it hasn’t worked yet and I cannot remember a time I was not in therapy over the passed 10 or so years (that may be a slight exaggeration but I truly cannot remember how long it has been).

My boyfriend, as of lately, has me wondering if I am marriage material for him since we have been together for 4 years and he has yet to ask me to marry him.  I am thinking it is because of my crazy manic or depressed episodes, but I have had boyfriends who were around a lot less time and asked for my hand in marriage so it blows my mind that I have been in this committed relationship for 4 going on 5 years and no ring or even talking about a ring.  Is it wrong that I am questioning this?  If we were younger, I could understand the need to wait, but I am 30 almost 31 with 2 kids. I live with this man and share everything with him, I feel like marriage conversations should have happened a million times already.  This isn’t meant to throw him under the bus, I just feel like my 30’s are pushing me to want a more grown up relationship and I don’t feel bad about that.  I am not in my teens or twenties and I feel weird calling a man my boyfriend like a bunch of youngens.

Lastly, I have been super stressed out about my health. I have been getting super shaky during the day around breakfast, lunch and dinner time because I am starving.  I have never felt like that before and it is really messing me up.  I used to be a soda drinker and now, I down water all day and night so this isn’t making much sense to me.  Maybe I need to have some blood work done to check my hemoglobin or my thyroid checked. I don’t know much about this, I just know its affecting my ability to control my panic attacks.  I usually can control them if it is only a panic attack but if it is more than anxiety, and my brain is thinking “you are hungry”, “you are shaking”, “your stomach is hurting”, “your muscles are hurting”, “your head is hurting”, or “you need a cigarette (which I haven’t smoked since November)”, then the panic attacks go from 0 to 60.  I don’t like those panic attacks.  They scare me because I can’t use my tools to calm them down, I have to do something like eat or go to the bathroom or stretch.

I always say to myself, “one day this will hopefully pass and you will be able to live without constant fear.” I have been saying that for 6 or more years.  I am convinced that I will not get through this and that is bothersome to me.  I have never been a “normal person” but at least before panic attacks, I could drive a car, be alone, go shopping alone, or just generally be okay in my own skin. I only vaguely remember what that was like.  I do try my ass off to keep reminding myself that there is a way that this will get better and I have to have both faith and patience that whatever is meant to be, will be.  Patience is harder than faith though.  I can give this over to my higher power (Jesus for me) but I cannot seem to be patient.  That is the part I need to release control of.  I know that being on the proper medications will help a lot of anxiety for me, and the tools I learned will sort out the rest (hopefully).

Anyhow, I just wanted to post an update after being incognito for a little while.  I will try to be more invested in blogging and keeping you all up to date on whats going on with me.

XO,

Niki

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/let-you-down/id1276828373?i=1276828669

Going inpatient again… the thoughts are too much now. I can’t handle it right now. Love you all. I will be back. Xo

Panic at the Doctors Office!

Panic at the Doctors Office!

If you follow me on Instagram, then you already know I am sick. I decided to go to the walk-in clinic because this cold (possibly bronchitis) is knocking me on my butt. I had to give myself a breathing treatment already and have a painful, awful cough! I am so tired and can’t sleep because of the cough. I am so ready to get some antibiotics and steroids. However, I am sitting here in the waiting room ready to jump out of my own skin! Anyone else ever get super uncomfortable being in public or in a waiting room? I am just feeling like everyone is staring at me and I hate the feeling. Having anxiety for me is like a stepping stone to a panic attack. I am trying to be strong and just force myself to think about anything else (thus the reason for blogging). How do you get through being in a crowded waiting room with panic attacks? Please tell me your secrets peeps! Xo

Follow me on Instagram @colliee87