The Truth’s I Learned About Suicide for World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is “World Suicide Prevention Day”. It’s a little ironic to me that it is one day before the tragic suicides of 9/11 when a group of men decided to commit suicide and take the lives of many innocent people as well.  In this case of suicide, cultural and religious beliefs were at the core of the decision for these men to end their own lives.

I have personally struggled to understand suicide until I found myself forced to face the overwhelming feelings of wanting to end the pain (during some tough depressive episodes). I was surprised to learn that suicide isn’t isolated to just those who suffer from mental health disorders, which I had always believed was the only cause, however, suicide affects many people for many different reasons. Some of those reasons include guilt, drugs, loss and despair. Many don’t have support during these tough times, and I can’t help but feel sadness that the world has yet to develop an understanding of why someone would want to end their own life. While I feel blessed and lucky to have had a strong support system in my toughest and darkest moments, I hope to always raise awareness for those who aren’t as lucky.

What World Suicide Prevention Day Means to me

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Suicide has been a huge part of my life for the better part of 20 years.  I have both experienced the loss of people I loved and/or cared for to suicide, or have tried and failed to end my own life.  Learning my breaking point was my best defense against suicidal thoughts, but like any defense, it isn’t bullet proof.

Today is an important day for me because I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and plans of how I would end it for many years following my traumatizing adolescent years. Trying to remind myself before and during these moments that I am not a burden to those I love, was and still is the hardest thing for me to do. Many times, I fought for my survival before I would reach a point of suicidal thoughts because of losing TJ.

When I was 15, TJ, the first man I ever fell in love with, took his own life by hanging himself from a swing set at a public park.  The aftermath of his loss was something my brain tried to protect me from for many years.  Eventually, the protection and survival mode my brain entered into in order to protect me, was no longer effective against the growing wound.  This was the beginning of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the trauma and guilt of surviving TJ’s Suicide.

I spent nearly 17 years blaming myself, feeling enormous grief, and struggling with the agony of knowing he was gone and I would not see him walking the Earth ever again. I imagine most 15 year old girls don’t picture losing their first love to suicide, and more over, most 15 year old girls are trying to navigate hormones. I never thought I would get through the pain of his loss, but truthfully I didn’t start to feel that pain until I was 17 and I got into a car accident that became the new topic my brain tried to protect me from.

Until very recently, when I spoke to TJ’s brother about what really led to his decision to commit suicide, I blamed myself for being the last one to speak to him before he made the choice that changed my life forever. All I can say is, I felt regret, relief, and a sense of bitterness toward myself  for holding onto these feelings for as long as I did.

If you lost someone to suicide, no matter how old you are, don’t hide from the pain.  Reach out for support, reach out for clarification, investigate what happened, and don’t be afraid to join support groups and tell people that you are hurting. I didn’t do this and instead I allowed myself the right to not feel anything for a long time.  I suspect that a lot of my own suicidal thoughts stem from my lack of coping when I needed to cope most.

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Learning to Understand Suicide

I didn’t know then (at 15) what I know now about suicide. What I learned through my own suicidal thoughts is that it doesn’t discriminate against how beautiful, popular, easy to get along with, caring, and honest a person might be. Suicide is an exit route to a seemingly inescapable depressive state. In this depressive state, the mind is at war with itself and has convinced you that if you live, the people whom you love, have to be burdened by your pain and hopelessness, and possibly they will begin to feel it as well. Furthermore, the people who try to love me will always have to work exceptionally hard to remind me that I am worthy and that I will be okay, while I fight an extensive war within myself.

The simple truth is people who commit suicide do so to offer freedom to the people they love. They believe by ending it all, the people they love will be saved from having to be weighed down forever by the pain of a depression that doesn’t belong to them.  I felt that my depression was contagious, so I hid from my friends, family and even my children to avoid spreading the disease that plagued me.

Pain this deep doesn’t see another option when it is staring at the abyss of deep and endless depression. The depression becomes all consuming, sucking away your energy, positive thoughts, the love you feel for others as well as yourself, while removing all the reasons you have told yourself that make you feel worthy of living.

Depression doesn’t fight fair, in fact it fights you with your deepest fears, your worst memories, your hardest losses, and all the self conscious, self doubting, self judging parts of yourself. It reminds you constantly that you are worthless, ugly, unloved, unhappy, unappreciated, not accepted, disloyal, disappointing, and a huge burden to the people you love. It strips you down mercilessly until all you have left is the thought that you can’t go on any longer. This is usually the point when you are staring at a fork in the road with two tunnels.  They are both dark, they are both relentless, they both yield no shining lights at the end.  This is the tortuous decision you must make; To Live or To Die.

No one gets to choose for you and most of the time you are too confused in that moment to explain what you are facing.  This is the beginning of the end.

THE WORST THINGS TO SAY AND WORST ADVICE TO GIVE WHEN SPEAKING TO SOMEONE WHO IS SUICIDAL

How you speak to someone who is struggling is not how you would speak to yourself. Not everyone speaks kindly to themselves and kindness, understanding and patience are the important things to remember when offering support.

I saw a meme that said:

“Treat everyone like they have a sign around their neck that says, ‘tell me why I am important.’ By doing this you will always be able to sell.”

Well if you take this advice and apply it to all your interactions in life, you will not ever contribute to someones pain.  I know, easier said then done.

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The Traffic Lights of Depression by The Depression Project – depressiontrafficlights.com

Actions and the Positive or Negative Consequences

Every action done or not done, creates a positive or negative consequence. The positive consequence may lead to saving someone’s life where the negative consequence may lead to an untimely death.  You will never know what someone is thinking or feeling, whether they are struggling to cope, and if they are staggering through the day with low energy and a loss of interest in all the things they used to love or value.

dtl-pic-1During my suicidal times, most people say to me, “what about your children? What about your family? You have so much to live for and so many people who love you,” “You are so kind, beautiful, talented, and you are better than this.”

I have even heard people say, “snap out of it!,” “stop being dramatic,” “Your life seems so perfect,” “You are going to hurt so many people if you don’t try harder,” “Don’t leave me because I love you and it will kill me to see you gone,” and “what are you thinking? Did you even consider my feelings?”.

The reality is that when you are at the edge of a cliff, you have already made the choice that the ones you love are better off without you and the burdens you believe yourself to be (no matter how untrue it is). In your mind, you are staring into a great void. You have been fighting for days, weeks and years.  The fight is mentally exhausting, trying to convince yourself that you are worthy, but you have failed at doing that. Physically exhausting, you have tried to force yourself to get up and shower, but you just can’t move your body because of the exhaustion, so you have failed again.  Then it is emotionally draining, trying to face your worst moments, deepest fears, challenging phobias, and weaknesses, which you have failed to do and the punishment is to start over and suffer it again.

You fail so much and so often that the only way to escape is to end the pain, to stop the thoughts and be at peace. There is no, “get it together” switch inside the mind when you reach this conclusion. Being attacked by the mind is a war far greater than most people realize and the depths of attack is beyond mental comprehension.

Today, for World Suicide Prevention Day, check on someone who you feel or know is struggling. Take it from me, if someone would have checked on me during my hopelessness, I may have had a reason “why not” to resort to attempting suicide. Someone sharing that they care in my darkest hour may have given me a small glimmer of hope to get help before I found myself writing my final goodbyes.

A phone call, not a text, or a visit can save a life and show your support. Be someone’s hero so you never have to attend their funeral and feel the blame of not having done something to show them you care.

Too Late is Too Late!


Learn more about Suicide Prevention & How you can help:

Here are some songs to help you support someone in need of your help

One of the best songs I have heard about being on the support side of depression is by The Fray entitled, “How to Save a Life.”  The lyrics say it best by showing how “if” he would have done something, the positive consequences would have saved a life.  Here are the lyrics:

“And I would have stayed up with you all night,  Had I known How to save a life” …. “Lay down a list of what is wrong, things you told him all along and pray to God he hears you, Pray to God he hears you” …..  “He will do one of two things, he will admit to everything or he’ll say he’s just not the same and you’ll begin to wonder why you came.”

listen to “How to Save a Life” (with Lyrics) on YouTube


Another great song that helps understand your place as a supporter and their place as a warrior is “I’ll Find You,” by Lacrae & Tori Kelly.  Tori Kelly is the friend trying to help, Lacrae’s part is about the person who is struggling. Tori says,

“Fight a little longer my friend, it’s all worth it in the end, but when you have nobody to turn to, just hold on and I’ll find you.”

Lacrae says:

“I’m hanging on by a thread, and all I’m clinging to is prayers, and every breath is like a battle, I feel like I ain’t come prepared.  And death’s knockin’ on the front door, pains creeping through the back, fears crawlin’ through the windows, waiting for em to attack. They say don’t get bitter, get better, I’m working on switching them letters, but tell God Imma need a whole lot of hope keeping it together.  I’m smiling in everyone’s face, I’m crying whenever they leave the room, they don’t know the battle I face, they don’t understand what I’m going through …..”

Listen to “I’ll Find You” (with Lyrics) on YouTube


The Depression Project

The Depression Project created the “Traffic Lights of Depression” to help those struggling and their loved ones to get through tough times. They share incredible information, blogs and more about detecting whether or not someone you love is at risk for depression and what level they are using the Traffic Lights.

Here is a graphic they posted:

September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day

Visit The Depression Project for more information and resources


Project Semicolon

Another great place to learn about Suicide Prevention is Project Semicolon. Project Semicolon was started by Amy Bleuel, who shares her story about her own struggles.  The Mission of Project Semicolon is:

“Project Semicolon is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Our work is based on the foundation and belief that suicide is preventable and everyone has a role to play in preventing suicide. Through raising public awareness, educating communities, and equipping every person with the right tools, we know we can save lives.”

What Project Semicolon has to say about Suicide:

“Suicide is a complex issue involving numerous factors and should not be attributed to any one single cause. Not all people who die by suicide have been diagnosed with a mental illness and not all people with a mental illness attempt to end their lives by suicide.” – Continue reading


Andrew Solomon’s TED Talk, “Depression, the Secret We Share”

Andrew Solomon delivers a deeply profound truth during his TED Talk entitled, “Depression, the Secret We Share.” In this speech he says:

We know depression through metaphors. Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language. Goya in an image. Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states. As for me, I had always thought myself tough, one of the people who could survive if I had been sent to a concentration camp.

He continues to say:

One of the things about depression is that you know it’s ridiculous. You know it’s ridiculous while your experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it’s not a big deal, and yet you are none-the-less in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it.

Check out the entire TED Talk by Andrew Solomon


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

Learn more about the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255 for

Immediate Support for those in distress or crisis.

 

My Memories.. The Song I Composed For Panic Disorder

So one day while I was having a bad day, I channeled some of my creative energy and created as well as composed my first song ever using the app “Garage Band”. It’s a pretty awesome app and I was able to keep going while I sang and Googled “good notes” to use on the different instruments within the app.  It was a really good experience.  I uploaded the song to SoundCloud and I am working on some Podcasts that will also go to my SoundCloud as well! don’t miss out, subscribe to SoundCloud to keep up with my candid (often vulgar) truth about living with mental illness.

The lyrics “My Memories” by Niki Maria

I lost myself and I can’t get back up
Somebody help me find my luck
I don’t wanna lose my memories
Cause there all I have..

There was a time when I would fill the noise
Everything you could avoid
And I’m not losing me today
Because I love you

Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs
The panic is here with me it’s all I’ve become
Do you know what it feels like to hide inside your own skin
Crawling with venom…

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

It feels like my Life’s not my own
You Keep pushing forward feeling alone
just get yourself back up, you get yourself back up…

I’m not gonna let you bring me down
Panic Attacks are the worst
Anxiety I am cursed….

Just for today
I want you guys to stand up
Fight.
Because this illness, it will take you down if you let it.
Just stand up today
Remember who you are
Don’t let it take your memories.

Let me know what you guys think and feel free to download it if you like it (I made it available for download).  I am working on some new music now and your feedback can help me to make the most productive music.  Try to remember I don’t have the best voice in the world and this recording with done (literally) on my iPad with Garage Band.  Love you all!  Thank you for supporting me in this journey.

The “Why” Left Me Awake at Night

The only words that are going through my head is “why?”

Three letters and a world of uncertainty behind what they might mean for me, what the answer might be.

Will I be ready to hear the answer?

… I am sure you are wondering why I am asking why?  Or maybe you think I am losing it and my journey is too dramatic for you? I am too negative? Too much for you?

Well this might not surprise you but why do you think I don’t want to burden anyone anymore? Because of this ……

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I ask myself, my few friends I know still care, and my family why am I like this?  Why do I have to live like this?  Why can’t I be surface-level normal like everyone else, even with medication?

Why …..

I don’t know that I want to know the answer. Perhaps the answer may be exactly the damage I will not be brave enough to survive.  So I will live with the Why’s until I am strong enough, brave enough, to hear the reason and believe it.

Hopefully the answer to Why will not matter anymore by then.

 

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I Guess It’s Time… Letting Go.

Maybe it’s just me, but letting go has never been easy for me. In fact I feel abandoned, rejected and deep emotional pain when someone says to me, “you have to let go.” I feel like the option is worse than the thought of dying, but perhaps that why it is necessary.

Some of my friends tell me to be alone for a while, some of them tell me to enjoy myself and figure it out along the journey. It’s time for me to figure that out.

What do I want? And what’s the goals to getting what I want?

I dreamed for a long time of being an astronaut then I grew a fear of that concept when history class taught me about the space shuttle that exploded before take off. My new dream then became being a doctor. But with two kids and no time or money to spare, and a serious lack of interest in calculus, that seems like a lofty dream.

I guess I need to start dreaming again at 32. I need to write myself a new story with a new dream, new goals and new confidence.

Letting go of him, of the family I built and thought I would never lose, has been the worst pain I have experienced in a long time. I have to accept it and let the tears come when they do so I can believe in myself again. So I can wash away the pain and grow from here. Sadness scares me, loneliness sounds sad, and I never wanted either of those two emotions to become my own reality. I guess it just proves that I am capable of more than you ever imagined about myself! One day at a time.

Goals for now:

Goal number 1: I have to start driving! I have to do this so I can open all the doors I have closed in my life since I developed a fear of driving.

Goal number 2: become the best mom I could ever be! Give my boys all my love, affection and happiness. They are the priority, they are my only concern!

Goal number 3: quit smoking and begin transforming my health. No more junk, better eating habits, better fitness routines, better self love and a lot more balance in my life.

Goal number 4: more spirituality and more focus on being mentally healthy.

I think I owe it to myself to start this journey and begin to gain momentum with these goals so I can believe in myself again, instead of hiding from myself and the world. To begin, my first piece is to accept that my family is broken but it isn’t going to break me and my children. I hated the thought of being alone, being a single mom, but I am going to be okay if I focus on my true happiness and finding what’s next for myself.

It’s time….. ♥️🤷‍♀️😳😉😁

Speaking to the Wall with Thorns: Good Bye Ex-Best-Friend

Relationships have always been a struggle for me. I always used to care about the wrong people and I never knew how to set boundaries. I would do things I didn’t realize I was doing and, in the past, I always ended up losing someone close. I didn’t know then that I had codependency issues that were ruining my relationships. Last year, I learned all about boundaries and, since then, I have put them into most of my relationships, finding that there were some exceptions to the boundary rules; namely best friends, significant others and children. Recently, someone I cared for a lot, someone I let inside my boundaries, left me heartbroken. While this blog isn’t about boundaries, I want to share this story to both say good-bye and move on. Here’s what happened …

The aftermath of being hurt so badly by someone I thought was be a “good” friend…

I got hurt (again) by someone who I thought was my “best” friend. Kind of cliche but I shared my whole life with her, spoke to her daily (sometimes more than once) and listened when she needed me to and thought she was doing the same for me.  I was there and thought she was too.  I thought it was the picture perfect friendship dynamic even though I would think to myself sometimes that talking to her was like talking to a wall with thorns.

Then I woke up a few days ago, texted her (like I did every morning), and that’s when I realized she blocked me from contacting her at all. I didn’t have a single warning or reason that this was coming, except that I had a feeling she was pulling away (which I told myself was me being paranoid she would never do that to me!).  No there was not a fight to end our friendship.  We were so close and I don’t even remember having an actual fight during our friendship, other than a disagreement about politics or something less important than what our friendship meant to me.

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We did a lot of stuff together. Hung all the time, talked for hours on the phone, laughed a lot, loved most of the same music, and bought each other some happiness with our hilarious morning GIF/text exchanges.  She was like an aunt to my kids because she was like a sister to me.  I even shared with her my most intimate relationship and personal struggles in life.  I told her things I would never tell another human. In addition, I drove her 6 hours out of the way to see someone she wanted to see, even though the person we drove to see only spent 5 minutes with her.  I didn’t care because it was important to her and she was important to me.

She was the kind of friend who showed up, listened to me complain about my relationship woes, my children or life in general.  She seemed to always have some decent advice even if I wasn’t always receptive to it.  She called me out on my bullshit and most of the time I laughed and said, “whoops I lied,” (yes I am imperfect).  But she got me, or at least I thought she did.

I tried to be understanding because I knew her life wasn’t easy.  She is alone and doesn’t know what a healthy relationship with anyone looks like.  She runs when anyone tries to care about her or get close, and runs even faster if you criticize her choices or motives.  Mostly she ran because she didn’t get her way. But a “good” friend doesn’t leave for any reason and I stayed even when I didn’t agree with her choices or actions.

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After realizing I was blocked, I called and left a message.  I was, of course, devastated by the revelation that instead of telling me something was wrong, she chose the route of blocking me everywhere from contacting her. I told her in the voicemail (I don’t remember my exact words) to NOT come back and try to fix this relationship because it obviously doesn’t work. There really is no point in missing someone who doesn’t care about you.

Twenty-four hours after blocking me, she tried to text me (from an app or something because she feels the need to keep me blocked) and I considered reading it.  I thought about it a lot in fact, then I opened my phone and immediately erased it.  I don’t want to have a bitter end to a good friendship. In my opinion, we had a special friendship and I didn’t want to be angry or hurt.  I have lots of people whom I am blessed to have in my life and I don’t need someone who is going to up and leave regardless of the reason.  I was grateful I took some time to grieve the loss for a bit so I could write this blog about my feelings and let it go.

But I finally read the text when I opened my Mac and it didn’t erase (curiosity got the best of me plus I was ready to get upset if need be surrounded by friends at home). Instead I got more nothing ….

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This is super childish, don’t do this to someone you claim to love. Talk to them about an issue before dipping out.

This isn’t the first time she let me down.  In fact, I blamed and judged myself so harshly every time she hurt me in the past.  I didn’t feel it as strong as I do right now because I always knew we would work it out.  This time, I have decided that the days of reconciliation are over because I am so badly hurt this time. That being said I will never feel regret or hate toward her, she can’t help being this way. Honestly if I did, she’s so cold she wouldn’t care. I pride myself on being a forgiving person and I thank my parent’s for raising me to be a loving and kind person in that sense, but I am not a masochist.  I have to look at all the blessings in my life and know when to be done with the things that hurt. Some people need to have masochistic friends so they can hurt then as much as they want without worrying about losing them.  I just can’t be that person.

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Friendships and relationships in general depend on communication and not flakiness and judgement. Every single person in the world does something you don’t or won’t like, it is up to you to say, “this is bothering me and it is a deal breaker if it keeps happening.”  Lately, I have been complaining a lot about stressful situations in my life, venting to her about it, but she said nothing about it being a problem. She just ghosted me.

Since I live with Bipolar type 2 and generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks, my sensor isn’t always working to tell me that someone isn’t good for me.  Sometimes I completely miss the signs or I notice and ignore them in hopes that I can find something special where I wasn’t looking, or perhaps, shouldn’t be looking. But just like every general rule in life (follow your gut being the rule), it never works to break the rules. I am going to start trusting my gut and not going against it anymore. I will continue on my journey of self improvement and life will fall into place again.

I know since she has her own issues, she hurts and devastates people a lot, pulling them in and out of her life as if they are toys to be used at her disposal. I have seen her do it to unsuspecting people throughout our own friendship, I just never thought she would do it to me again. The reality is that eventually everyone figures out they are being used or judged or thrown away at a whim. I am trying so hard to give the whole situation some logic because that is how my brain deals with a trauma, but the only logic I see (in my own opinion) is that she is unwilling to give people the chance to be imperfect and that is not something anyone can live up to.

In writing this blog, I am finally letting go of my pain and feeling some hope for my future relationships.  Here is my good bye letter to her (written for me to let go):

Dear ex-best-friend,

Thank you for the valuable lessons you have taught me about relationships, myself and in general. I now understand that I don’t have to feel pain remembering you. I am grateful for the good times and will never regret our friendship.  I know that you are a good person and you hide a lot of yourself from the world, as you did from me.  I know that you have a heart of gold and an amazing ability to listen.  I know how beautiful and wonderful you are and I hope you do too.  Even though our friendship didn’t meet your expectations, I hope that you find a friend who does.  You deserve love and friendship with someone who can be there for you in all the ways I couldn’t be because I know that you have a lot to offer people.

Do not sell yourself short in life, it’s okay to have bad days, just try to be aware if there are too many that something might be wrong. Don’t depend too much on your mom’s opinion because you have one too and it’s okay to trust it especially since you are a lot stronger than you know.  Let someone have room in your heart without any expectations or judgements because love is beautiful even when it is hard at times and almost impossible at other times. Offer forgiveness when someone wrongs you or makes a mistake that seems big because you may end up losing someone important.  Life is too short to hold onto negativity and pain when you could be open and free.  Make sure to eat more than just TV dinners or junk food on a regular basis because they aren’t good for you and don’t drink too many energy drinks so you don’t get sick again.

Fight for yourself, go to therapy so you don’t self-sabatoge and isolate because it is dangerous for many reasons (that you know) and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.  Walk outside of your comfort zone whenever possible so you can experience something worth remembering.  Being alone isn’t something you can look back on and smile. Travel. Write. You are an amazing writer with a gift that no one can take from you. I will try to follow your blog so I can read your work if you let me. Keep being honest because you are the most honest person I know.

Take deep breaths when life gets hard, feel the emotions even when you don’t like them, give everyone a chance to be a part of your life because in the sea of silver you will find gold. As my mom always told me, “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime,” let my reason and season mean something more than just a painful memory. If you choose not to take my advice, that’s okay, I know you will eventually figure out what works best for you.

I will always care even if I can’t keep getting hurt. Our friendship never seems to work because we are too different and I can’t be constantly pushed away, but I will always send positivity and love your way and I hope you will feel it from a distance. Don’t judge too harshly what you don’t fully understand because we all wear our hearts on our sleeves in hopes that someone will accept and love us. I am no different and neither are you.  Despite my tough exterior, I am a soft person who hurts deeply and feels deeply. What you did hurt me deeply, but I will be okay. I will keep working toward my goals and making huge strides in my journey to self betterment. I hope you will do the same.

Be safe with yourself and your choices. I truly hope you will find whatever you are looking for in life, even if you never read this letter, it is always here for you. I am mad at you now, but this too shall pass. Best of luck in life.

Sincerely,

Niki

You Hurt Me

The following poem was written around the year 2000. This poem was about a time in my life where I was molested and scared that I may be raped by someone. It took a long time to get passed the painful experience. I learned, in that moment, that as a young girl, he took my innocence from me. It was a reality I couldn’t escape and I was worried I never would. This happened when I was about 16 and it hurt me deeply in so many ways. I wish I would have never let the things he did hurt me for as long as it did.

Here’s what happened.  I was with a friend and her mom in Miami visiting the mom’s boyfriend.  We all hung out in the pool enjoying a hot summer day in South Florida.  My friend and I got out of the pool and decided to lay down and take a nap since it was blazing hot outside.  After lying down and closing my eyes.  I drifted off only to wake up to the mom’s boyfriend pushing his fingers into you know where and I could feel him on my legs.  I was paralyzed with fear and he pulled his fingers out and started grabbing my legs to pull them apart, using pressure because I was trying to keep him away from me. He grabbed so tight that I had bruises for about a week after the incident.

When I woke up completely, he whispered in my ear that he was going to “Fuck me” and if I screamed he would choke me to death.  My adrenaline started pumping and I kicked him in the balls and he fell off of me so I began to run away.  I ran down the road in a terrible neighborhood with my clothes, purse, and shoes in my hand.  I called my friend to come and get me and I headed home.  I never spoke to the girl or her mother because I was so scared of the boyfriend who threatened to kill me.  I never wanted my parents to know either because my uncle molested me when I was 14 or 15 and they didn’t seem to believe me so I kept it to myself and I wrote this poem.    Hope you all enjoy it.

You Hurt Me

You took me
you urged me
into a daze,
you pulsated my blood
into a craze.

But all of a sudden
you thought you were right,
that even if I tried
you would put up a fight.

Suddenly I knew
I was lost and confused,
You made me feel broken
just scared and used.

When you took something
you knew you could not,
you stepped on my heart
and hurt me a lot.

I know I should say this
only in my head,
But you left discomfort
on the sheets of this bed.

The bruises and hand marks
you left on my thighs,
are proof that will show
through your bullshit and lies.

You will be sorry
for the pain that you start,
I don’t have much proof
but I’ll know in my heart.

I’m still a young girl
you’re a stupid old guy,
You said you saw innocents
in the soul of my eyes.

You’re pitied and ugly
but you’ll know why,
I’ll hurt and I’ll wonder
but you’ll never see me cry.

-Niki Maria

I do not know what my life would have been like had I not had to experience being molested and almost raped.  I wonder sometimes if I would have been stronger, more cautious, been a doctor, a happier person, never experienced a panic attack or anxiety attack?  I will never know.  When someone takes away that innocence without your consent, it destroys the way you start to look at life. I never felt the same after being molested.  It happened twice to me.  I don’t know how I could have avoided it, but the first time it happened, it was my uncle.  The second time, which is written about in this poem, I couldn’t have avoided it.  I am making life the best I can now, but these traumas come back to haunt me regularly.  I just hope that I have gotten passed them now and I can live a happy life.

New Podcasts & A Surprise

If you have been dealing with some guilt from lying to someone you love, or have trust issues from being lied to, or live with mental health disorders and find yourself living in a fantasy world, this new podcast is for you.  The Sounds of Life and The Panic Spot joined forces to talk about a sensitive subject, lying and trust issues.  There is a lot to be said about lying for the proverbial normal person versus the mentally ill.

In my life, I have had many instances when I found myself being told that I said something I didn’t remember saying (whether true or not) because I lived in a fantasy world. Why did I live in a fantasy world? Due to a combination of little trauma’s and then some big ones as well as trying to cope with bipolar disorder. Eventually trauma catches up to you and changes the makeup of your brain. (side-note: I have always wondered to myself if post traumatic stress disorder PTSD can cause bipolar disorder?) I have been told since I was about 10 or 11 that I have bipolar disorder. I laughed and went on living my life like any therapist, doctor, psychiatrist or whomever tried to tell me that I was sick with this illness, didn’t exist. I even went as far as printing up a whole bunch of stuff on my windows 95 computer disputing my issues. Of course, looking back on it now, I was looking more bipolar simply for doing that.

Anyways, I wanted to share that little bit about my personal experience with bipolar disorder because it has hugely impacted my life, especially where trust and lying is concerned. I hope you have the chance to listen and enjoy the podcast. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts as well as what you would like to hear more about. Being bipolar is tough, share your story with me anytime at thepanicspot@gmail.com or on Instagram @colliee87 or any other social media account for The Panic Spot. I am always here for all of you. I know how tough this illness can be on you, your family and your personal and professional life. Don’t give up fighting the good fight, even when you encounter endless obstacles.

-Niki

 
Check out the first podcast for Panic Meets Normal:
https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2588356

 

Check out the podcast that I am working on… check it out when ever but I plan to get them up on Wednesday or Friday of every week if possible. Xo hope you like it.

“Coming soon to an anchor account near you…” from The Panic Spot on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2553985

“Coming soon to an anchor account near you…” from The Panic Spot on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2553985