My Memories.. The Song I Composed For Panic Disorder

My Memories.. The Song I Composed For Panic Disorder

So one day while I was having a bad day, I channeled some of my creative energy and created as well as composed my first song ever using the app “Garage Band”. It’s a pretty awesome app and I was able to keep going while I sang and Googled “good notes” to use on the different instruments within the app.  It was a really good experience.  I uploaded the song to SoundCloud and I am working on some Podcasts that will also go to my SoundCloud as well! don’t miss out, subscribe to SoundCloud to keep up with my candid (often vulgar) truth about living with mental illness.

The lyrics “My Memories” by Niki Maria

I lost myself and I can’t get back up
Somebody help me find my luck
I don’t wanna lose my memories
Cause there all I have..

There was a time when I would fill the noise
Everything you could avoid
And I’m not losing me today
Because I love you

Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs
The panic is here with me it’s all I’ve become
Do you know what it feels like to hide inside your own skin
Crawling with venom…

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

I don’t want to die
I’m gonna keep going
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die

It feels like my Life’s not my own
You Keep pushing forward feeling alone
just get yourself back up, you get yourself back up…

I’m not gonna let you bring me down
Panic Attacks are the worst
Anxiety I am cursed….

Just for today
I want you guys to stand up
Fight.
Because this illness, it will take you down if you let it.
Just stand up today
Remember who you are
Don’t let it take your memories.

Let me know what you guys think and feel free to download it if you like it (I made it available for download).  I am working on some new music now and your feedback can help me to make the most productive music.  Try to remember I don’t have the best voice in the world and this recording with done (literally) on my iPad with Garage Band.  Love you all!  Thank you for supporting me in this journey.

Speaking to the Wall with Thorns: Good Bye Ex-Best-Friend

Speaking to the Wall with Thorns: Good Bye Ex-Best-Friend

Relationships have always been a struggle for me. I always used to care about the wrong people and I never knew how to set boundaries. I would do things I didn’t realize I was doing and, in the past, I always ended up losing someone close. I didn’t know then that I had codependency issues that were ruining my relationships. Last year, I learned all about boundaries and, since then, I have put them into most of my relationships, finding that there were some exceptions to the boundary rules; namely best friends, significant others and children. Recently, someone I cared for a lot, someone I let inside my boundaries, left me heartbroken. While this blog isn’t about boundaries, I want to share this story to both say good-bye and move on. Here’s what happened …

The aftermath of being hurt so badly by someone I thought was be a “good” friend…

I got hurt (again) by someone who I thought was my “best” friend. Kind of cliche but I shared my whole life with her, spoke to her daily (sometimes more than once) and listened when she needed me to and thought she was doing the same for me.  I was there and thought she was too.  I thought it was the picture perfect friendship dynamic even though I would think to myself sometimes that talking to her was like talking to a wall with thorns.

Then I woke up a few days ago, texted her (like I did every morning), and that’s when I realized she blocked me from contacting her at all. I didn’t have a single warning or reason that this was coming, except that I had a feeling she was pulling away (which I told myself was me being paranoid she would never do that to me!).  No there was not a fight to end our friendship.  We were so close and I don’t even remember having an actual fight during our friendship, other than a disagreement about politics or something less important than what our friendship meant to me.

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We did a lot of stuff together. Hung all the time, talked for hours on the phone, laughed a lot, loved most of the same music, and bought each other some happiness with our hilarious morning GIF/text exchanges.  She was like an aunt to my kids because she was like a sister to me.  I even shared with her my most intimate relationship and personal struggles in life.  I told her things I would never tell another human. In addition, I drove her 6 hours out of the way to see someone she wanted to see, even though the person we drove to see only spent 5 minutes with her.  I didn’t care because it was important to her and she was important to me.

She was the kind of friend who showed up, listened to me complain about my relationship woes, my children or life in general.  She seemed to always have some decent advice even if I wasn’t always receptive to it.  She called me out on my bullshit and most of the time I laughed and said, “whoops I lied,” (yes I am imperfect).  But she got me, or at least I thought she did.

I tried to be understanding because I knew her life wasn’t easy.  She is alone and doesn’t know what a healthy relationship with anyone looks like.  She runs when anyone tries to care about her or get close, and runs even faster if you criticize her choices or motives.  Mostly she ran because she didn’t get her way. But a “good” friend doesn’t leave for any reason and I stayed even when I didn’t agree with her choices or actions.

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After realizing I was blocked, I called and left a message.  I was, of course, devastated by the revelation that instead of telling me something was wrong, she chose the route of blocking me everywhere from contacting her. I told her in the voicemail (I don’t remember my exact words) to NOT come back and try to fix this relationship because it obviously doesn’t work. There really is no point in missing someone who doesn’t care about you.

Twenty-four hours after blocking me, she tried to text me (from an app or something because she feels the need to keep me blocked) and I considered reading it.  I thought about it a lot in fact, then I opened my phone and immediately erased it.  I don’t want to have a bitter end to a good friendship. In my opinion, we had a special friendship and I didn’t want to be angry or hurt.  I have lots of people whom I am blessed to have in my life and I don’t need someone who is going to up and leave regardless of the reason.  I was grateful I took some time to grieve the loss for a bit so I could write this blog about my feelings and let it go.

But I finally read the text when I opened my Mac and it didn’t erase (curiosity got the best of me plus I was ready to get upset if need be surrounded by friends at home). Instead I got more nothing ….

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This is super childish, don’t do this to someone you claim to love. Talk to them about an issue before dipping out.

This isn’t the first time she let me down.  In fact, I blamed and judged myself so harshly every time she hurt me in the past.  I didn’t feel it as strong as I do right now because I always knew we would work it out.  This time, I have decided that the days of reconciliation are over because I am so badly hurt this time. That being said I will never feel regret or hate toward her, she can’t help being this way. Honestly if I did, she’s so cold she wouldn’t care. I pride myself on being a forgiving person and I thank my parent’s for raising me to be a loving and kind person in that sense, but I am not a masochist.  I have to look at all the blessings in my life and know when to be done with the things that hurt. Some people need to have masochistic friends so they can hurt then as much as they want without worrying about losing them.  I just can’t be that person.

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Friendships and relationships in general depend on communication and not flakiness and judgement. Every single person in the world does something you don’t or won’t like, it is up to you to say, “this is bothering me and it is a deal breaker if it keeps happening.”  Lately, I have been complaining a lot about stressful situations in my life, venting to her about it, but she said nothing about it being a problem. She just ghosted me.

Since I live with Bipolar type 2 and generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks, my sensor isn’t always working to tell me that someone isn’t good for me.  Sometimes I completely miss the signs or I notice and ignore them in hopes that I can find something special where I wasn’t looking, or perhaps, shouldn’t be looking. But just like every general rule in life (follow your gut being the rule), it never works to break the rules. I am going to start trusting my gut and not going against it anymore. I will continue on my journey of self improvement and life will fall into place again.

I know since she has her own issues, she hurts and devastates people a lot, pulling them in and out of her life as if they are toys to be used at her disposal. I have seen her do it to unsuspecting people throughout our own friendship, I just never thought she would do it to me again. The reality is that eventually everyone figures out they are being used or judged or thrown away at a whim. I am trying so hard to give the whole situation some logic because that is how my brain deals with a trauma, but the only logic I see (in my own opinion) is that she is unwilling to give people the chance to be imperfect and that is not something anyone can live up to.

In writing this blog, I am finally letting go of my pain and feeling some hope for my future relationships.  Here is my good bye letter to her (written for me to let go):

Dear ex-best-friend,

Thank you for the valuable lessons you have taught me about relationships, myself and in general. I now understand that I don’t have to feel pain remembering you. I am grateful for the good times and will never regret our friendship.  I know that you are a good person and you hide a lot of yourself from the world, as you did from me.  I know that you have a heart of gold and an amazing ability to listen.  I know how beautiful and wonderful you are and I hope you do too.  Even though our friendship didn’t meet your expectations, I hope that you find a friend who does.  You deserve love and friendship with someone who can be there for you in all the ways I couldn’t be because I know that you have a lot to offer people.

Do not sell yourself short in life, it’s okay to have bad days, just try to be aware if there are too many that something might be wrong. Don’t depend too much on your mom’s opinion because you have one too and it’s okay to trust it especially since you are a lot stronger than you know.  Let someone have room in your heart without any expectations or judgements because love is beautiful even when it is hard at times and almost impossible at other times. Offer forgiveness when someone wrongs you or makes a mistake that seems big because you may end up losing someone important.  Life is too short to hold onto negativity and pain when you could be open and free.  Make sure to eat more than just TV dinners or junk food on a regular basis because they aren’t good for you and don’t drink too many energy drinks so you don’t get sick again.

Fight for yourself, go to therapy so you don’t self-sabatoge and isolate because it is dangerous for many reasons (that you know) and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.  Walk outside of your comfort zone whenever possible so you can experience something worth remembering.  Being alone isn’t something you can look back on and smile. Travel. Write. You are an amazing writer with a gift that no one can take from you. I will try to follow your blog so I can read your work if you let me. Keep being honest because you are the most honest person I know.

Take deep breaths when life gets hard, feel the emotions even when you don’t like them, give everyone a chance to be a part of your life because in the sea of silver you will find gold. As my mom always told me, “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime,” let my reason and season mean something more than just a painful memory. If you choose not to take my advice, that’s okay, I know you will eventually figure out what works best for you.

I will always care even if I can’t keep getting hurt. Our friendship never seems to work because we are too different and I can’t be constantly pushed away, but I will always send positivity and love your way and I hope you will feel it from a distance. Don’t judge too harshly what you don’t fully understand because we all wear our hearts on our sleeves in hopes that someone will accept and love us. I am no different and neither are you.  Despite my tough exterior, I am a soft person who hurts deeply and feels deeply. What you did hurt me deeply, but I will be okay. I will keep working toward my goals and making huge strides in my journey to self betterment. I hope you will do the same.

Be safe with yourself and your choices. I truly hope you will find whatever you are looking for in life, even if you never read this letter, it is always here for you. I am mad at you now, but this too shall pass. Best of luck in life.

Sincerely,

Niki

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You Hurt Me

You Hurt Me

The following poem was written around the year 2000. This poem was about a time in my life where I was molested and scared that I may be raped by someone. It took a long time to get passed the painful experience. I learned, in that moment, that as a young girl, he took my innocence from me. It was a reality I couldn’t escape and I was worried I never would. This happened when I was about 16 and it hurt me deeply in so many ways. I wish I would have never let the things he did hurt me for as long as it did.

Here’s what happened.  I was with a friend and her mom in Miami visiting the mom’s boyfriend.  We all hung out in the pool enjoying a hot summer day in South Florida.  My friend and I got out of the pool and decided to lay down and take a nap since it was blazing hot outside.  After lying down and closing my eyes.  I drifted off only to wake up to the mom’s boyfriend pushing his fingers into you know where and I could feel him on my legs.  I was paralyzed with fear and he pulled his fingers out and started grabbing my legs to pull them apart, using pressure because I was trying to keep him away from me. He grabbed so tight that I had bruises for about a week after the incident.

When I woke up completely, he whispered in my ear that he was going to “Fuck me” and if I screamed he would choke me to death.  My adrenaline started pumping and I kicked him in the balls and he fell off of me so I began to run away.  I ran down the road in a terrible neighborhood with my clothes, purse, and shoes in my hand.  I called my friend to come and get me and I headed home.  I never spoke to the girl or her mother because I was so scared of the boyfriend who threatened to kill me.  I never wanted my parents to know either because my uncle molested me when I was 14 or 15 and they didn’t seem to believe me so I kept it to myself and I wrote this poem.    Hope you all enjoy it.

You Hurt Me

You took me
you urged me
into a daze,
you pulsated my blood
into a craze.

But all of a sudden
you thought you were right,
that even if I tried
you would put up a fight.

Suddenly I knew
I was lost and confused,
You made me feel broken
just scared and used.

When you took something
you knew you could not,
you stepped on my heart
and hurt me a lot.

I know I should say this
only in my head,
But you left discomfort
on the sheets of this bed.

The bruises and hand marks
you left on my thighs,
are proof that will show
through your bullshit and lies.

You will be sorry
for the pain that you start,
I don’t have much proof
but I’ll know in my heart.

I’m still a young girl
you’re a stupid old guy,
You said you saw innocents
in the soul of my eyes.

You’re pitied and ugly
but you’ll know why,
I’ll hurt and I’ll wonder
but you’ll never see me cry.

-Niki Maria

I do not know what my life would have been like had I not had to experience being molested and almost raped.  I wonder sometimes if I would have been stronger, more cautious, been a doctor, a happier person, never experienced a panic attack or anxiety attack?  I will never know.  When someone takes away that innocence without your consent, it destroys the way you start to look at life. I never felt the same after being molested.  It happened twice to me.  I don’t know how I could have avoided it, but the first time it happened, it was my uncle.  The second time, which is written about in this poem, I couldn’t have avoided it.  I am making life the best I can now, but these traumas come back to haunt me regularly.  I just hope that I have gotten passed them now and I can live a happy life.

New Podcasts & A Surprise

New Podcasts & A Surprise

If you have been dealing with some guilt from lying to someone you love, or have trust issues from being lied to, or live with mental health disorders and find yourself living in a fantasy world, this new podcast is for you.  The Sounds of Life and The Panic Spot joined forces to talk about a sensitive subject, lying and trust issues.  There is a lot to be said about lying for the proverbial normal person versus the mentally ill.

In my life, I have had many instances when I found myself being told that I said something I didn’t remember saying (whether true or not) because I lived in a fantasy world. Why did I live in a fantasy world? Due to a combination of little trauma’s and then some big ones as well as trying to cope with bipolar disorder. Eventually trauma catches up to you and changes the makeup of your brain. (side-note: I have always wondered to myself if post traumatic stress disorder PTSD can cause bipolar disorder?) I have been told since I was about 10 or 11 that I have bipolar disorder. I laughed and went on living my life like any therapist, doctor, psychiatrist or whomever tried to tell me that I was sick with this illness, didn’t exist. I even went as far as printing up a whole bunch of stuff on my windows 95 computer disputing my issues. Of course, looking back on it now, I was looking more bipolar simply for doing that.

Anyways, I wanted to share that little bit about my personal experience with bipolar disorder because it has hugely impacted my life, especially where trust and lying is concerned. I hope you have the chance to listen and enjoy the podcast. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts as well as what you would like to hear more about. Being bipolar is tough, share your story with me anytime at thepanicspot@gmail.com or on Instagram @colliee87 or any other social media account for The Panic Spot. I am always here for all of you. I know how tough this illness can be on you, your family and your personal and professional life. Don’t give up fighting the good fight, even when you encounter endless obstacles.

-Niki

 
Check out the first podcast for Panic Meets Normal:
https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2588356

 

Check out the podcast that I am working on… check it out when ever but I plan to get them up on Wednesday or Friday of every week if possible. Xo hope you like it.

“Coming soon to an anchor account near you…” from The Panic Spot on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2553985

“Coming soon to an anchor account near you…” from The Panic Spot on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thepanicspot?at=2553985

Been A Little While…

Been A Little While…

Hey everyone.  I have been so stressed out with life lately that posting on Instagram has been about the only thing I do to keep up with my mental health network online and I know that isn’t enough.  Just a crazy couple of months with the holidays and then school starting back up and football for my oldest son… I am starting to spin a little lol!! Plus I am back to work after taking some time off to get my mental and physical health in order.  I was diagnosed with a condition called Dysautonomia (also called POTS) and that explains why I have been so off this last year.

Also, I have finally decided to get medicated for my bipolar disorder.  Normally I enjoy the ups and downs, because they never get so bad and I get surges of creativity and enlightenment, but lately they have been super shitty.  I get really down and it is physically draining, plus I have developed awful anxiety over absolutely nothing and the panic attacks are true hell.  Before, I used to think it would pass and somehow it was what I was eating or not eating that was causing the panic attacks to come on stronger.  I also thought maybe it was the benzos that the doctor put me on to manage the panic attacks that was making it worse.  Needless to say, I quit the benzos, Valium to be exact, and started eating healthier and working out which seems to be helping quite a bit.  The healthier lifestyle unfortunately isn’t helping the terrible bipolar episodes but I am going to see my new psychiatrist this Friday to try medications that will help manage the bipolar.

In addition, I started seeing a new therapist.  She is my mom’s pick for me.  Apparently she is well versed in dealing with substance abuse, bipolar, anxiety, depression, panic and PTSD.  I am not convinced that therapy helps at this point because it hasn’t worked yet and I cannot remember a time I was not in therapy over the passed 10 or so years (that may be a slight exaggeration but I truly cannot remember how long it has been).

My boyfriend, as of lately, has me wondering if I am marriage material for him since we have been together for 4 years and he has yet to ask me to marry him.  I am thinking it is because of my crazy manic or depressed episodes, but I have had boyfriends who were around a lot less time and asked for my hand in marriage so it blows my mind that I have been in this committed relationship for 4 going on 5 years and no ring or even talking about a ring.  Is it wrong that I am questioning this?  If we were younger, I could understand the need to wait, but I am 30 almost 31 with 2 kids. I live with this man and share everything with him, I feel like marriage conversations should have happened a million times already.  This isn’t meant to throw him under the bus, I just feel like my 30’s are pushing me to want a more grown up relationship and I don’t feel bad about that.  I am not in my teens or twenties and I feel weird calling a man my boyfriend like a bunch of youngens.

Lastly, I have been super stressed out about my health. I have been getting super shaky during the day around breakfast, lunch and dinner time because I am starving.  I have never felt like that before and it is really messing me up.  I used to be a soda drinker and now, I down water all day and night so this isn’t making much sense to me.  Maybe I need to have some blood work done to check my hemoglobin or my thyroid checked. I don’t know much about this, I just know its affecting my ability to control my panic attacks.  I usually can control them if it is only a panic attack but if it is more than anxiety, and my brain is thinking “you are hungry”, “you are shaking”, “your stomach is hurting”, “your muscles are hurting”, “your head is hurting”, or “you need a cigarette (which I haven’t smoked since November)”, then the panic attacks go from 0 to 60.  I don’t like those panic attacks.  They scare me because I can’t use my tools to calm them down, I have to do something like eat or go to the bathroom or stretch.

I always say to myself, “one day this will hopefully pass and you will be able to live without constant fear.” I have been saying that for 6 or more years.  I am convinced that I will not get through this and that is bothersome to me.  I have never been a “normal person” but at least before panic attacks, I could drive a car, be alone, go shopping alone, or just generally be okay in my own skin. I only vaguely remember what that was like.  I do try my ass off to keep reminding myself that there is a way that this will get better and I have to have both faith and patience that whatever is meant to be, will be.  Patience is harder than faith though.  I can give this over to my higher power (Jesus for me) but I cannot seem to be patient.  That is the part I need to release control of.  I know that being on the proper medications will help a lot of anxiety for me, and the tools I learned will sort out the rest (hopefully).

Anyhow, I just wanted to post an update after being incognito for a little while.  I will try to be more invested in blogging and keeping you all up to date on whats going on with me.

XO,

Niki

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/let-you-down/id1276828373?i=1276828669

Going inpatient again… the thoughts are too much now. I can’t handle it right now. Love you all. I will be back. Xo